Mike Peters,
(Bio)mpeters@greeleytribune.com September 30, 2006 While I hate to give free publicity
to a radio station, the time has come to warn all of
you.
Every evening on one of our area
stations is a Conspiracy Guy that:
1. Compares President Bush to
Hitler;
2. Talks constantly, incessantly and
monotonously about The Big Conspiracy of 9/11, in which
he says the president and several of his evil wicked
conspirators actually planned the attack on the World
Trade Center and then blew up the buildings, apparently
hoping to kill 3,000 Democrats and eventually TAKE OVER
THE ENTIRE WORLD.
Now, that's pretty strange, but then
one night this week when Mr. Conspiracy Guy was off, two
subs -- a punky, strange guy and a perky woman -- came
on and talked about the Hidden City Under Denver
International Airport.
They even had an expert, who said
he'd never actually SEEN the Secret Underground City, he
had talked to the wife of a man who helped build it and
was mysteriously killed several years ago. Convenient,
huh?
According to the radio people, Punky
and Perky and their "expert," the underground city has
eight levels under DIA and goes a mile deep. The town is
full of military types and thousands of people who are
secretly plotting to (you guessed it!) TAKE OVER THE
WORLD.
At first, I thought it was just a
joke, but as I listened, Punky and Perky were deadly
serious, and even worried about the government
overhearing them and making them disappear.
If Punky and Perky were to suddenly
disappear, I might be on the side of the government.
Anyway, the point is, that no matter
how goofy the conspiracy theory, there's somebody out
there who will believe it.
So, we need to help them. Following
are several Conspiracy Plots that I've made up. However,
if each of you start talking about them, and send them
out on the Internet, it won't be long before some Goofy
Radio Guy will start believing.
« Osama bin Laden
has been secretly captured and is being hidden away in
an empty missile silo in northern Colorado near the town
of Keota. He lives in luxury and has his own chef, and
only goes out with a disguise. He's shaved his beard,
cut his hair, and on the weekends he wants to be a
punter for the University of Northern Colorado football
team.
« Marilyn Musgrave
and Angie Paccione are actually THE SAME PERSON. She
just has good disguises and moves really fast around
northern Colorado. This Marilyn/Angie person is actually
a member of a Political Party called the Republicrats,
who, of course, plan to TAKE OVER THE WORLD.
« The so-called
"Stampede Committee" located in Greeley, Colorado, is
actually a band of expertly-trained of guerrilla
mercenaries who plan the TAKE OVER OF THE ENTIRE WORLD.
They look innocent enough, with their sparkly cowboy
costumes and purple boots, but if you look under the
cowboy clothes, you'll find the uniform of a United
Nations Evil Soldier. I wouldn't volunteer to look under
their clothes, however.
« Hidden secretly
under Lincoln Park in downtown Greeley is a Secret
Bunker, where all the Bigwigs in Greeley -- City
Council, County Commissioners, Chamber of Commerce,
Bankers, Lawyers, Golfers, Guys Who Drive Cadillacs,
Radio People, Tribune Editors and That Guy Who Walks
Around Downtown Talking Loudly To An Invisible Person
Beside Him -- all will go to hide before the Big Thing
happens. We're not sure what the Big Thing is, but you
can bet it'll be bad for the rest of us. However, we're
not sure we'd want to survive anyway, considering the
people who are protected in the bunker.
« Greeley City
Manager Roy Otto is a member of some strange group,
doing something. We think he wants to TAKE OVER THE
WORLD. We're not sure, yet.
But we're keeping an eye on him.
The name Gnarly Trombone was taken
from an 1871 Cincinnati newspaper that misread Horace
Greeley's handwritten name of the Greeley Tribune. Mike
Peters is a Tribune staff writer. He may be e-mailed at
mpeters@greeleytribune.com.
